25 Oct 2017
October 25, 2017

Winter Blues

Depression, News

Ever thought to yourself “I have the winter blues”?  The combination of shorter days plus colder temperatures means that many of us are exposed to less sunlight during the winter months and it is believed that this could be one of the things that can contribute to some people experiencing seasonal affective disorder.

What is seasonal affective disorder?

It is a type of depression that is strongly associated with specific times of the year, most commonly autumn or winter.  The symptoms of seasonal affective disorder are similar to major depressive disorder with the exception that they usually abate when the seasons begin to change.  These include feelings of hopelessness and/or sadness, reduced energy level, weight gain, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, irritability, and more.

How do I treat seasonal affective disorder?

There are various things that you can try if you’re experiencing the “winter blues”.  Some possible things that you might do for self-care include getting more physical activity.  Exercise is one of the best “natural remedies” for depression of all kinds.  Increasing your sun exposure may also help.  Keep in mind that any change in medication or physical activity should be done under advisement of a medical professional.  Of course, you can also make an appointment to a see a therapist.  This may be something short-term just for the season and that’s okay.  Here’s a link with more information about seasonal affective disorder.

 

Aaron D KirkwoodIf you believe you have a case of the “winter blues” and would like to talk to someone about it please give me a call to set up an initial appointment today.  I can be reached by phone at (706) 534 – 8558 or by e-mail at Aaron@ca4wellbeing.com

16 Aug 2017
August 16, 2017

College adjustment

News

It’s that time of year again.  The stores are packed with parents and students shopping for all the necessary college accoutrements.  Some are back again, having already been through this process a time or two.  Others are wide eyed with anticipation and trepidation.  College is a time of growth and joy for many students but for others it can be incredibly stressful and can trigger new psychological problems or exacerbate already existing issues.  It is not uncommon for students to experience overwhelming anxiety and/or depression.  I recently spoke with someone who talked about coming to UGA for the first time as a student and during the first day of their first class they realized that there were more people in that one class than had been in their entire high school graduating class.  That can be pretty daunting, and rightfully so.  Even at smaller schools the issues of trying to learn to live out from under parents’ roofs, navigating a new social scene, and feeling exposed to larger issues of life can seem overwhelming.

Students aren’t the only ones who experience stress, anxiety, and depression during this time of year.  Parents also experience these same issues.  This can affect parents individually but also impact their marriage or other relationships.  Some parents want to “let go” but can’t seem to quite figure out how.  Other parents have managed to let go at the cost of considerable worry and anxiety.

Whether you’re a first-time student, a returning student, or a parent the beginning of the college school year can be difficult.  Here is some helpful information about college adjustment.  Read more about one students experience when first going away to college here.

Aaron D KirkwoodIf you’re feeling overwhelmed by anxiety or depression, or just want to act preventatively to avoid these pitfalls, give me a call today and set up an appointment to talk about these issues.
Phone: 706 –425-8900 ext 712
E-mail: Aaron @ca4wellbeing.com

I thought I would conduct an interview with a Marriage and Family Therapist to get a small peek inside the mind of someone who spends all their time “inside” the minds of others.  It just so happens that I know a Marriage and Family Therapist rather intimately, and that is who I decided to interview.

Have you ever seen the movie Interview with a Vampire?  Well, I can almost promise you this interview will not be as interesting, sexy, or scary as that.  Read on to see if you agree.

Me: So, what made you decide to become a therapist?

Also me:  Well, I remember having friends in high school whose parents were divorced and seeing how that experience really affected them, mostly in negative ways.  I decided, rather foolishly, that I would grow up and find a “cure” for divorce.  I also recall reading a book somewhere around 10th grade on the history of psychology in the library and finding it incredibly fascinating.  As I began to express interest in psychology my 10th grade biology professor, Mrs. Taylor, encouraged me to look into Marriage and Family Therapy.  Plus, I’m really bad at math so I knew I couldn’t be an accountant or an engineer.

Me: What is your favorite thing about being a Marriage and Family Therapist?

Also me: At the risk of sounding cliché, I really love helping people.  When the end of a work day rolls around and I have had at least one client who seemed to benefit from our session I feel an immense sense of satisfaction.  I can honestly say that this is the most fulfilling thing I have done for work.  It feels even more powerful somehow when I am working with a couple or a family and there is a shift in the relationship.  Suddenly, where the clients had been experiencing only sadness, hopelessness, or remorse a renewed hope blossoms.  There are few feelings as awesome as experiencing this first-hand!

Me: So, can therapists like, read your mind?

Also me: Nope!  Not even a little bit.  A good therapist is attuned to their client’s body language, however, and this helps us read a client’s emotions when he or she might not be consciously aware of them.  For instance, a client may begin to tap or shake their foot rapidly as a stress-inducing conversation gets underway.  I might ask that client “Are you feeling any anxiety just now?”  The client may reply “No, I’m okay.”  “Because I noticed you were shaking your foot quite a bit there.”  “Oh, was I?  Hmmm.  Well, now that I think of it I might have been feeling some stress when we started talking about …”  I don’t have any superpowers and supernatural abilities unfortunately, just what Sherlock Holmes might call a keen sense of observation and deduction.

Me:  What inspires you?

Also me: Well, besides seeing a person feeling better because of some new insight or perspective, I would have to say music is a big inspiration to me.  I get flashes of song lyrics in my head all the time, even during therapy sessions.  When it is feels appropriate I sometimes share these with clients, particularly if they might offer a unique perspective or confirm a client’s newly discovered perspective.  Music can be a beautiful metaphor for relationships.  Individuals (notes) come together to form relationships (chords) in different configurations (chord changes) across time (a song).

Me: Who are your favorite clients to work with?
Also me: Gosh, that’s a hard question!  I think if there is a common thread to my work when I’m feeling the most satisfaction, it comes from working with individuals who feel, for whatever reason, disempowered.  Working together with them to develop a unique voice, and learn to resist the forces who might have made them feel unworthy or uncared for is uniquely rewarding.  I focus often on relationships, especially couples, as a Marriage and Family Therapist, but I also really enjoy working with individuals.  The work can be very different when I’m talking with a client one-on-one versus working with a couple or a family.  I love being able to switch it up throughout the day because it keeps the work interesting and stimulating.

Me: What advice would you give someone seeking therapy for the first time?

Also me:  Don’t be afraid to ask questions and find a therapist who you feel comfortable with.  Just don’t be afraid in general of seeing a therapist.  I personally try to make it as painless as possible, even though sometimes painful things arise.  We deal with those things in a comforting and safe environment.  Try not to get hung up on buzzwords and psycho-jargon.  Studies tell us that almost all therapies are roughly equally effective.  If your friend had luck with cognitive-behavioral therapy but it doesn’t feel right for you then don’t do it.  Find someone with an approach and a personality who feel like a good fit for you.

Aaron D KirkwoodIf you’re interested in beginning therapy please contact me

via e-mail at Aaron@ca4wellbeing.com

or call me at (706) 296-0455

and I’ll be happy to answer any questions you have.

We are so very happy to announce the latest associate with Counseling Associates for Well-Being. Leslie Sessley, LCSW has a fabulous new office in Decatur. This is another location to add to our already existing locations in Athens, Madison, and Alpharetta, Georgia.  She is available to see clients in Decatur and surrounding areas. Leslie accepts Medicare and Blue Cross Blue Shield  insurance plans.

She is a skilled family and individual therapist who has some valuable experience helping those who are stressed by the tasks of caregiving or having aging parents as well as other complicated family dynamics. Leslie has training and expertise on neurodegenerative conditions and does peer training  on these topics. She has completed training  in mediation.  She is warm and friendly and super smart. We couldn’t recommend her more.
Please check here for more about her.
https://ca4wellbeing.com/about/leslie-sessley/

Leslie_Sessley_Associates_Page

June is LGBTQ Pride month in the United States and I wanted to take a moment to invite individuals, couples, or families who might be struggling with issues surrounding sexual orientation or gender identity in for a consultation.  Whether you are an individual who feels ostracized from peers and family, a couple whose issues are not directly related to sexual orientation, yet you’re unsure about seeking therapy for fear of judgment and rejection, or a family who is struggling to understand a family member, I welcome you.  My philosophy on therapy is positive, forward looking, and often seeks to challenge the status quo which is marginalizing to so many members of our society.

While it seems that we have been making strides towards equality we also must acknowledge that LGBTQ individuals, particularly young people, have a suicide rate that far exceeds the general population.  If you feel isolated, demonized, misunderstood, or just depressed, please know that you are not alone and there is help available.  If you are facing hard times but you aren’t ready to come in for therapy here are some resources that I hope you will find helpful.

https://www.glaad.org/resources

http://www.pbs.org/specials/lgbt-pride-month/#.WUwLr-mQzIU

https://www.athenspride.org/

https://teenlineonline.org/get-help/

http://www.itgetsbetter.org/

https://www.cdc.gov/lgbthealth/youth-resources.htm

If you would like to inquire about coming in to talk please contact meAaron D Kirkwood at

(706) 534 – 8558 or e-mail me at Aaron@ca4wellbeing.com

Mother silhouette with baby

Growing up I don’t think I ever fully appreciated all the things my mom had to do to fulfill all the roles that she played.  She is a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and an employee among others.  As a kid, and particularly as a male child, I took it for granted that she would take care of me, regardless of what she was going through.  It never occurred to me that what was happening at work, or what was happening between my parents, could affect my mother deeply.  All I ever really knew was that my dinner was going to be cooked, my clothes were going to be washed, my sheets clean, and the home I lived in well kept.   Those things I never doubted.

It wasn’t until I became a therapist and saw a pattern among my clients that I realized how physically and emotionally draining it can be for one person to take on all those roles.  I see women who always put others before themselves and it wears them out.  When I ask questions like “What would you like to do for yourself?” they often just sit and shake their heads, unable to think of anything.  These women literally have not thought of themselves as anything except a mother/employee/wife in years.  I might then ask another way, “If you had some magical ability to make the world stand still and you could do ANYTHING, what would you do?”.  Given the freedom of imagination that affords unlimited power and resources what would a mother choose?  I’ve heard “I would love to just take a nap!”, and I’ve heard “I’d love to be able to spend time with my kids without worrying about _______ (my job, my father, my bills, etc.).”  This simultaneously speaks to how dedicated mothers are, that they cannot even imagine a world where they don’t worry about their family first, and it also says a lot about our social structure, that we expect women to be so self-sacrificing that they can’t even imagine doing solely for themselves.

We have shifted culturally from the sort of 1950’s “ideal” American family in which the husband went off to work every day and the wife stayed home and took care of the house and the children.  Despite expecting women to work a fulltime job to help support the family financially we still have the same cultural expectations about division of labor within the household.  This creates role strain and role conflict, often in physically and emotionally damaging amounts, for many women.  (Learn more about role strain and role conflict here).  Nor is this a new phenomenon of the 21st century with our fast paced, technology based society.  In 1966 the Rolling Stones wrote “Mother’s Little Helper” about housewives of the day taking (and often becoming addicted to and/or overdosing on) prescription sedatives.  Today women still do the majority of housework while also working outside the home.  A 2010 study showed that women spend about 25.9 hours a week taking care of home and children to men’s 16.8 hours.  The women who I’ve spoken with feel driven and even if they could sit and try to relax after work most would feel too guilty.  Is it any surprise then, that so many mothers feel anxious and/or depressed?  What a tragedy that these women who take care of us all are, arguably, underappreciated.

Finally, I’d like to take a moment to share my appreciation for my own mother.  I may not have fully appreciated everything that you did for me growing up and I certainly took for granted that you would always be there, but now I recognize that if not for you I would not be the compassionate and thoughtful person that I am today.  These traits are essential to who I am as a therapist and as a person, and for that I cannot ever thank you enough.  I love you, mom.

Aaron D KirkwoodDo you experience role conflict and role strain?  I’m happy to help you sort through these complex emotions and learn to let go of some of the anxiety and/or depression that comes as a result.  Call (706) 534 – 8558 or e-mail me at Aaron@ca4wellbeing.com to setup a time to talk.

 

changeahead My daughter is a senior in high school.  That means we have spent much of the past year focusing on ACT testing and scores, college applications, essays, etc., etc.  On February tenth all of the hard work, anxiety and stress of this past year came to an end as she received her acceptance into her number one choice of schools, which also happens to be both of her parents’ alma mater, so to say we were all thrilled would be putting it mildly!   But something else also happened once the dust settled, I realized that very soon my first born will be leaving for college, not only a huge life change for her but a major life transition for me.  While the abstract idea has always been there, now it is staring me in the face and is something I can no longer ignore.   What does that mean for me?  The past 18 years my primary focus has been on parenting my kids, and in two short years they will both be in college.   So part of my “job”, and a lot of my identity is going to change.  While I will always be mom to my son and daughter my role in their lives will without a doubt soon be different.   I am sad about my kids leaving home but I also realize once I have readjusted there will be many positive aspects of my new life, such as more time for me and my husband to do things on our own without worrying about 2 other people’s schedules, and time to begin focusing more on myself and consider other interests in my life I may not have had time for before.   I joked as senior year started that I wasn’t quite ready for this but it was coming whether I was ready or not.   Life moves on and changes are going to happen, whether we are ready or not!  Getting married, starting a new job, moving into a new house, having a child, the list goes on and on, are all positive changes in life.  But even the positive changes are stressful and can be hard to deal with.  There may be mixed emotions, I can absolutely relate to feeling very happy and very sad at the same time as we approach graduation day.   There might be feelings of loss, even about a much anticipated event, and there can also be an identity shift, all things I can currently relate to.  Major life transitions cause stress, that is a fact.  If you don’t take care of yourself the stress can lead to increased anxiety, health problems and even depression.   During major life transitions it is important to pay attention to yourself and take care of yourself.

The following article by Dr. Shannon Kolakowski talks about ways to make the most of life transitions and has some good pointers on how to take care of yourself during major life changes.
https://trans4mind.com/counterpoint/index-goals-life-coaching/kolakowski.shtml


I believe one of the most important things to do during any stressful time is to rely on your support system.  It can be helpful to turn to supportive people in your life during these times.  If you feel like you need some added support surrounding a major change or transition in your life give me a call or send me an email and we can set up an appointment, 706-425-8900 or beth@ca4wellbeing.com    Beth Jackson, LCSW  Alpharetta, Georgia   profile415  

Therapy is exercise for the brain

If therapy is exercise for your brain, that makes me a personal trainer.  Time to rethink my work wardrobe!

I have a confession to make.  If you promise to keep it just between us I will tell you.  Agreed?  So, sometimes my clients will say to me “Hey, this was really helpful.  I appreciate what you’re doing for me.”  My response is generally, “I’m so glad you found our session helpful.”  But inside?  Inside I’m thinking “I have no idea why this was helpful.  I really thought we didn’t get much done today.”  Rest assured, I’m not some dope who’s faking his way through being a therapist.  Every therapist I know has a similar story.

There’s an excellent book on the subject that has eased my mind and helped me make sense of what might be happening for my clients in therapy.  It’s called Why Therapy Works: Using Our Minds to Change Our Brains by Loius Cozolino.  It has to do with the concept of neuroplasticity and how thoughts actually change our brains functioning.  According to Cozolino neuroplasticity “refers to any changes among, between, and within neurons as a result of learning or the natural processes of healthy development.  It is the ability of the nervous system to change in response to experience and to encode that experience into its structure.”  In other words, our brains literally change in response to our experience.  I liken this change to the growth we see in our muscles because of exercise.

If you’ve ever had the pleasure of hanging around with some serious weightlifters you might have seen them nudge each other in the ribs, give a head nod towards someone walking by, and snicker.  Then in a conspiratorial whisper one says, “Someone skipped leg day.”

Your brain is not a muscle.  In fact, it is the fattiest organ in your body.  It makes up only about 2 percent of your bodies total mass but is uses 20 percent of your body’s energy.  No wonder it’s so exhausting when you’re anxious all the time! (For more brain facts click here)

Okay, but what does that have to do with your brain and therapy?  Well, therapy is exercise for your brain.  If you have had depressive thoughts for a while your brain has developed to easily have those thoughts.  Meanwhile, your ability to experience “happy” thoughts is undeveloped.  You might say that you’ve been skipping happy day.  When I’m asking clients in therapy to describe what they would like to be doing differently, what they might prefer their life to look like, I am like a spotter in the gym encouraging them “C’mon!  You can do this!”  At first it can be very hard for someone who has felt depressed for years to even imagine what “happy” is for them.  However, with practice they can literally change the structure of their brain so that it becomes easier to bring to mind those “happy” thoughts.  The same concept applies to people who are anxious all the time.  They are well practiced at having anxious thoughts.  Their brains have been shaped by these experiences and so they come “naturally”.  Through therapy we will do the work necessary to reshape the brain.

Is it easy?  No.  Is it fun?  Sometimes, but it can also be painful just like any other workout.  Is it worth it?  DEFINITELY!

Aaron D KirkwoodIf you’re constantly plagued by depressive or anxious thoughts, contact me today and let me be your personal brain trainer.  I can be reached via telephone at (706) 534 – 8558 or e-mail at Aaron@ca4wellbeing.com.

turning complaints into requestsHaving spent many years working in customer service before starting my career as a therapist, I have long been aware of the idea of turning complaints into requests, or as it was usually put, into opportunities to build relationships.  Essentially, by responding to a customer’s complaint with understanding and actively seeking out a solution you turn that interaction around.  They go from having a negative experience to having one that they will be glad to report to their friends and family while singing your praises.

What does this have to do with relationships?  I would argue that just as a complaint from a customer is actually a request in disguise, the same holds true for relationships.  Whether the parties involved are friends, relatives, or lovers when someone is complaining about YOU what they are really doing is making a request.  Of course, when someone is complaining about you the likelihood that you will hear their complaint as a request is pretty minimal.  Instead, you’re more likely to feel attacked and either counterattack that person or retreat (physically or emotionally) to avoid their “attack”.

But, I hear you saying, she ALWAYS leaves her toenail clippings on the bathroom counter and she knows I hate that.  Don’t I have the right to complain?!  Well, sure.  It’s perfectly understandable that we become irritated with others from time to time because of things they do that annoy us.  But ask yourself this, do you want the person to know that you’re annoyed or do you want them to behave differently?  If you want them to become recalcitrant and you want them to remind you about the things that you do which annoy them, then by all means complain away.  If you want them to listen to what you’re saying and entertain your point of view, then you will fare much better making a request.

Does that mean I can never complain about anything, you might wonder?  There’s a song from the 1960’s by The Byrds called “Turn! Turn! Turn!” and it says that there is a time for everything.  If your boss really got under your skin today and you would like to complain about it to your partner I think that is a wonderful idea.  Relationships are supposed to be buffers from stress and one of the ways it works is your partner provides a safe place to share your frustration.  However, if your partner does something that bothers you, instead of complaining, take a moment and rephrase the complaint in your mind as a request and then present the request to your partner.  I think that you will find they are much more receptive to your request than they will be to a complaint.  This doesn’t just apply to your partner however; this applies to anyone in your life that you have a relationship with.

What about on the other end of things?  If your partner is complaining about something that you have done, can you pause and try to figure out what the request is behind their complaint?  This can be a difficult task but doing so might stave off conflict and help build your relationship.  First, you’ll need to ignore that gut reaction which tells you to point out what they have done that you don’t like, thereby launching your own complaint right back at them.  Or maybe for you in that moment you just want to tune them out and get away from the situation.  Either response does not address the underlying issue and leads your partner to feel that they have gone unheard.  Instead, acknowledge what your partner has said by rephrasing and checking that you understand what they meant.  Notice, you are not necessarily saying that you agree at this point, you are simply checking that you have understood.  Next, ask your partner what they would like you to do differently.  Again, repeat back to them what they have said and make sure that your understanding matches their intention.  From here you can either agree to try and fill your partners request, or you can discuss your thoughts and feelings about the request if you do not fully agree.  Whatever the outcome, I’m sure you can see how this will leave both people feeling much better than doing things the old way of complaining, having an argument, then not speaking about it until it comes up again as a complaint.

For more information about turning complaints into requests click here.

Aaron D KirkwoodIf you would like to work on improving your relationships give me a call at (706) 534-8558 or e-mail me at Aaron@ca4wellbeing.com to discuss setting up an initial appointment.

We’ve all seen those “click bait” links on the side of an article, or as we’re scrolling through social media.  There really is a “weird trick” that you can try if you want to improve the frequency of love making.  This applies if you’re married or in a long-term relationship, if you’re a heterosexual couple or a same-sex couple.  I will say, because of social scripts that tell us how a man and woman are to behave in a heterosexual marriage, this may be more of an issue for those types of relationships.  Hopefully you’ll understand once I reveal the “weird trick”.

So, what turns men and women in long term relationships off in the United States?  Per a 2013 study “Both women (49 percent) and men (37 percent) say stress causes them to lose their desire for sex more than anything else. Other top distractors include exhaustion for women (46 percent) and having an argument with their spouse for men (29 percent). A third of women and a fifth of men say lack of romance is a factor, too.”  Put a pin in that because we’re going to come back to it.

improve married sexI have some GREAT news for you.  Guys, do I have your attention?  Ladies, you listen up too.  Throw away that bottle of cologne with pheromones, you don’t need to buy two dozen roses, and don’t even think about that “aphrodisiac” you saw in the bathroom vending machine  of the service station.  You likely already have all the ingredients you need to brew up a homemade aphrodisiac.  It can be sort of messy so guys you should probably put on some gloves, safety goggles could come in handy, and an apron wouldn’t hurt.  Ladies, change into your most comfortable around the house clothes, maybe pour a glass of wine.

Now listen up because here’s the “one weird trick”.  Guys, I want you to go into the kitchen and run a sinkful of HOT, soapy water.  Pay attention because this next step is key!  You have a sinkful of hot, soapy water?  Grab a sponge, a brush, or some similar cleaning implement and I want you to wash the dishes.  Bonus points for drying them and putting them away.  See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?  The next step is important too.  I want you to grab a broom or a vacuum cleaner and clean the floor.  If you’re up for a challenge and you really want to seal the deal throw some laundry on before you start the dishes.  Are you getting turned on yet guys?  No?  That’s okay, you’re not supposed to be aroused by cleaning the house.  But your partner?  Well she might want to rip that apron right off you.

According to numerous studies cited by AARP.ORG, the more housework men do the more sex they have.  And that’s the “one weird trick”.  Remember earlier we learned that stress and exhaustion are major turn offs for women.  By pitching in and taking on some of those household chores you are allowing your partner to relax.  If you have children and you help with the kids she may have time to switch from mom mode to sexy wife mode (as opposed to bathing the kids, putting them to bed, and then being expected to immediately feel like having sex).  Further, it shows her that you respect her and appreciate her.

We’re asking men to pitch in and do some of the household chores.  What about women, what role can you play in this?  Speak up and let your partner know what you need help with.  There is a video on social media about the “magic table” that takes care of things whenever this husband leaves his things there.  He leaves dirty dishes and they “magically” take themselves into the kitchen and get washed.  The basket of laundry he left on the table?  It “magically” folded itself and puts itself away.  The video is jesting about it but I suspect many men take for granted what the women in their lives do for them and the whole household.  Women, don’t let them take you for granted.

Of course, all of this centers around good communication, whether that means letting your spouse know that you would like to have sex more often, or you would like to come home and prop your feet up while someone else cooks dinner.  Then, if your request is met, show appreciation and gratitude so that your partner is encouraged to keep doing it.

Want to know how your sex life is going?  Fill out this quiz and ask your partner to fill it out separately.  Then call me to set up an appointment if you have some issues you’d like to work on.

Aaron D Kirkwood

Aaron Kirkwood, LAMFT

(706) 534 – 8558

Aaron@ca4wellbeing.com