We’ve all seen those “click bait” links on the side of an article, or as we’re scrolling through social media. There really is a “weird trick” that you can try if you want to improve the frequency of love making. This applies if you’re married or in a long-term relationship, if you’re a heterosexual couple or a same-sex couple. I will say, because of social scripts that tell us how a man and woman are to behave in a heterosexual marriage, this may be more of an issue for those types of relationships. Hopefully you’ll understand once I reveal the “weird trick”.
So, what turns men and women in long term relationships off in the United States? Per a 2013 study “Both women (49 percent) and men (37 percent) say stress causes them to lose their desire for sex more than anything else. Other top distractors include exhaustion for women (46 percent) and having an argument with their spouse for men (29 percent). A third of women and a fifth of men say lack of romance is a factor, too.” Put a pin in that because we’re going to come back to it.
I have some GREAT news for you. Guys, do I have your attention? Ladies, you listen up too. Throw away that bottle of cologne with pheromones, you don’t need to buy two dozen roses, and don’t even think about that “aphrodisiac” you saw in the bathroom vending machine of the service station. You likely already have all the ingredients you need to brew up a homemade aphrodisiac. It can be sort of messy so guys you should probably put on some gloves, safety goggles could come in handy, and an apron wouldn’t hurt. Ladies, change into your most comfortable around the house clothes, maybe pour a glass of wine.
Now listen up because here’s the “one weird trick”. Guys, I want you to go into the kitchen and run a sinkful of HOT, soapy water. Pay attention because this next step is key! You have a sinkful of hot, soapy water? Grab a sponge, a brush, or some similar cleaning implement and I want you to wash the dishes. Bonus points for drying them and putting them away. See, that wasn’t so bad, was it? The next step is important too. I want you to grab a broom or a vacuum cleaner and clean the floor. If you’re up for a challenge and you really want to seal the deal throw some laundry on before you start the dishes. Are you getting turned on yet guys? No? That’s okay, you’re not supposed to be aroused by cleaning the house. But your partner? Well she might want to rip that apron right off you.
According to numerous studies cited by AARP.ORG, the more housework men do the more sex they have. And that’s the “one weird trick”. Remember earlier we learned that stress and exhaustion are major turn offs for women. By pitching in and taking on some of those household chores you are allowing your partner to relax. If you have children and you help with the kids she may have time to switch from mom mode to sexy wife mode (as opposed to bathing the kids, putting them to bed, and then being expected to immediately feel like having sex). Further, it shows her that you respect her and appreciate her.
We’re asking men to pitch in and do some of the household chores. What about women, what role can you play in this? Speak up and let your partner know what you need help with. There is a video on social media about the “magic table” that takes care of things whenever this husband leaves his things there. He leaves dirty dishes and they “magically” take themselves into the kitchen and get washed. The basket of laundry he left on the table? It “magically” folded itself and puts itself away. The video is jesting about it but I suspect many men take for granted what the women in their lives do for them and the whole household. Women, don’t let them take you for granted.
Of course, all of this centers around good communication, whether that means letting your spouse know that you would like to have sex more often, or you would like to come home and prop your feet up while someone else cooks dinner. Then, if your request is met, show appreciation and gratitude so that your partner is encouraged to keep doing it.
Want to know how your sex life is going? Fill out this quiz and ask your partner to fill it out separately. Then call me to set up an appointment if you have some issues you’d like to work on.
Aaron Kirkwood, LAMFT
(706) 534 – 8558